Hayden the Destroyer
There’s a bar in White Plains called “The Brazen Fox” and I was never quite sure what that was referring to. I couldn’t understand why a bar would be called something like that. After the last few days, I officially consider Hayden a “Brazen Fox”- She is courageous in her mischief and intent on destroying all that is good.
Well, I guess that’s a pretty bold statement- but it sure feels like that this week. It seems to be one thing after another. She becomes so fixated on a task that she will find a way to succeed at whatever that task may be. She learned that in Paul’s closet there is a cup that he throws his spare change into at the end of the day. Three of four times a year I will roll it up and bring it to the bank. Needless to say, that change adds up. She became insistent that she had to play with the coins. Obviously, I don’t want the kid to choke or touch dirty money- so I wasn’t happy with this display of eagerness. We closed the closet tightly, blockaded the doors with a heavy box and our laundry hamper assuming that would be enough to make her move on to the next impossible task. As I was in the bathroom, it was very quiet in our room. I’ve come to learn that quiet is never, ever good. (Unless, of course, if Elmo is on, then no one is allowed to speak) I walked out the bathroom and Hayden was gone. I mean, she was no where. I walked around the second floor shouting “Hayden!”- No answer, no noise. I started getting nervous- checked her bathroom, behind the rocker, under the crib, under our bed, in the corners, no Hayden. Then I heard the faint noise… what was that noise? It was the sound of someone playing with change. I stared at the closet door- No… How could she possibly? I quietly walked to the closet, removed the hamper, removed the box and opened the door. Sure enough, there sat Hayden in the corner playing with the change. She immediately gave me the “stank eye” and quickly grabbed a cup full of pennies and poured it all over her body. I grabbed her and the tantrum ensued. I’ve become quite numb to her screaming and throwing herself on the floor. I was out with my cousin and her daughter the other day and she couldn’t believe the dolphin screams that were coming from this child. She was even more shocked that it didn’t seem to phase me. Of course not, I’m used to it. I have no idea how she got in the closet. I don’t know how she closed the door behind her to hide. Paul and I realized… we needed to step up our game. We have a true handful to raise.
Then there was yesterday- I, again, was in the bathroom- Paul was downstairs getting ready to leave for work. I heard a loud crash followed by Paul screaming. He must have scared the hell out of her because she came running into my arms “Anna!” I corrected her for the millionth time “I’m Mommy”- She didn’t care, she knew she was in trouble. I went to survey the damage. She had collected all the remote controls from upstairs, stood at the top of the stairs and thrown them through the guardrails down to the first floor… aiming directly for our entrance table piece and shattering our crystal candle holders. Part of me was relieved that it had missed our Lladro statue- a beautiful piece that my parents had gotten us for our wedding- Part of me was amused that she had the know how and the planning capacity to do this. After a lecture- and five minutes in time out- we went about our day. Paul yelled on his way out “put all the valuables in storage”- I giggled to myself thinking that would take about three minutes. Valuables? Yeah, right. We have tons of those. Another minute later while I was getting dressed I heard a repeating thud… this time she had learned that if she stuck her arm far out in between the iron railing, she could reach the chandelier and grab it. She was shaking it and clanking it against the railing. Crap, I thought. How am I going to put our lighting fixtures into storage?
I’m kind of laid back when it comes to all of this stuff… Sure, it’s annoying- but she’s a kid. What am I going to do? She needs to learn the difference between right and wrong and she will by trial and error.
Until this morning. This time, I was reading my “Eat, Pray, Love” book since I’m apparently the only one in the world who hasn’t read it yet and again, the eerie silence. I jumped up and ran into her room. She had found a blue pen and was writing all over the fabric of her rocking glider. I screamed. I had spent months saving up for that glider. I had to rent three places to afford it (remember, I’m a Realtor) and I spent night after night dreaming about having it. I would picture myself, rocking my little baby to sleep, feet up, relaxing… and now here she was, my little baby, writing all over it in a blue pen. I put her in time out and immediately began scrubbing the chair and I was so thankful that I could get most of it out. I guess I should have put that into storage too.
I don’t know- Is this the start of the terrible two’s at 17 months?
Anyway, I will be on vacation next week celebrating (and I use that term loosely) my 30th birthday. I plan on drinking several cocktails and am praying that Hayden has mercy on my old sole. So, I will be back in two weeks and will give you an update on Hayden the Destroyer. Please keep your fingers crossed for my sane return.
Anna Sforza-Zapotosky is a first time Mommy to a beautiful little one-year-old diva named Hayden. She resides in Norwalk with her husband and daughter. Anna is a full time Realtor with William Raveis Real Estate serving all of Fairfield County. Before she became a Mommy, she performed stand up comedy all over NYC, Fairfield County and Westchester County. She can be reached online at annazapo@yahoo.com
